Kylee's Suicide & Ducks In A Row

I recently read a 26-year-old woman’s obituary which stated she died unexpectedly.  She was a very attractive young lady from her photo.  The family did something that I was happy to see.  The family did not try to hide the reason the young lady died.  They simply put, she lost her four year battle with bipolar disease.  I will call her Kylee.  That is not her real name. 

It seems Kylee had everything to live for.  She was active with missions in her church and with helping the developmentally disabled.  She had a heart for those less fortunate.  So what happened?  I don’t know her but as someone who deals with bipolar illness I’d be willing to guess some of the following elements came into play.

The obituary read that she was loved by everyone.  People with bipolar illness are two sided (bi) meaning one side happy and energetic and the other side depressed with little to look forward to.  Not much joy gets through the dark periods.   The “high” in bipolar can literally make you better at everything.  It is not simply not that you “think” you are better; the truth is someone who is playing music while “high” can play better than ever before.  The creativity in someone who is artistic is at its peak while “high”. 

 

I deal with bipolar illness and when I am getting “high” words come to me effortlessly.  I don’t mean simply in conversation.   My vocabulary is expanded and I start using words I have never used before and quite appropriately, I might add.  It is my warning sign.  It is time to evaluate what I have been doing.  I have noticed that several weeks after my vocabulary explosion comes a depression.  And the degree of intensity can vary from an “I don’t care” attitude to complete and total apathy.

The following is what I wrote for my husband after a bout with depression.

Ducks In A Row

I was trying to explain to my husband that despite this recent bout with depression it could have been worse – both for him and me.  I look at it as, “Our ducks are in a row” and then I can see when one duck gets out of line.  I have many systems in place.  Here is a small list:

I am rock solid with my faith in God

I take my prescribed medication faithfully and routinely at roughly the same time each day

I do not drink alcohol or use other non-prescription drugs

I have a stable mood (peace, joy, patience, self-control, etc.)

I have an excellent employment record

I pay all my bills on time and I have responsible use of credit cards

I do not need the attentions of other men

I take care of myself physically and I eat a healthy diet

I get adequate amounts of sleep and I’m on a regular routine                                                 

Same list, Duck out of Order.   

I am rock solid with my faith in God?

I take my prescribed medication faithfully and routinely at roughly the same time each day?

I do not drink alcohol or use other non-prescription drugs?                                                                       

                                     I have a stable mood (peace, joy, patience, self-control, etc.)?

I have an excellent employment record?

I pay all my bills on time and I have responsible use of credit cards?

I do not need the attentions of other men?

I take care of myself physically and I eat a healthy diet?

I get adequate amounts of sleep and I’m on a regular routine? 

Duck out of order:  I have a stable mood (peace, joy, patience, self-control, etc.)

What I am trying to illustrate is that all the other ducks are in a row.  But something has gone amiss here with my mood and with no apparent reason.  Everything else has remained reliable so if all the rest of the ducks are in a row it makes the diagnosis easy.  It must be a chemical depression.

Now I am going to toss in another possible scenario, let’s suppose I use other drugs, non-prescription and the potency is not measured.  So what caused the depression, the additional drug or natural chemical imbalance?  Hmmm?  Okay, well eliminate the additional drug and see if things level out.  That sounds like it will take more time but okay but we can probably narrow this down and get straightened out.

Same situation stable mood dissolves, I get fired from my job, bills are adding up and I stay up late every night and start sleeping till 3:00 in the afternoon and seek attention from a man on the internet.  So now you have ducks out of order all over and where do you begin to get them lined up again?  Major damage to relationships long after the chemicals are back in order. 

So as I was explaining to my husband, I know it is no fun to be me during a depression and it can’t be much fun to be him either.  But we know what we are dealing with.  One duck.  One.  My husband didn’t mean to be funny as he thought I was saying “nuts in a row”.  He said, “One of you nuts is out of order.”  Grrrrr.  I corrected him; we are talking about ducks not nuts.  That was just a bit of mental illness humor for you.   So for this last depression I went through my check list and came up with the following:  

                How is my relationship with the Lord? – Good, next

                Have I been taking my prescribed medication? – Yes, next         

    Have I been using drugs, alcohol or too much caffeine? – No, next

                Job situation? – Good, next

                Bills paid - credit cards? – Good, next

                Old idols? – None, next

                Diet and exercise? – Go back to working out and eat healthy and resume taking supplements  

                Sleep? – No problem

Years ago I had a history of quitting jobs and men.  Figuring they were to blame for my declining mood.  Oh the beauty of being bipolar!  Since 2006 I made a promise to God I would not quit anymore unless He said so.  There have been times when I wished He would give me permission to quit but every time that I stuck with it I would indeed find that the problem resolved itself when my mood cleared.  Oh the broken relationships and jobs I quit in the past…I just did not know that my illness brought on the majority of it.  I would focus my negativity on someone or something and only when I gave it up or quit it did I find peace again. 

I have learned I don’t need to switch jobs or men anymore.  I have all I need to ride the depression out.  Minimal damage was done to relationships this time and in this case a new commitment to physical wellness is now in place. 

The cornerstone to all these things is the first one.  I must be rock solid in my relationship with God.  Sure I could pull some of the other ducks off without it but the total alignment hinges upon my Creator.  I  know that without God I don’t exist.  And I don’t just mean because He created me but because I am not enough without Him, my very life is dependent upon my faith in Him.  I could not live this life, riding out periods of depression, if I did not think there were valuable battles being won in the heavenlies.  I believe that somehow my thanks during despair bring victories that otherwise would not be possible.  That sounds so abstract and yet it is a lesson I learned in the pit. 

I have to believe getting your “Ducks in a row”, will likely help a lot of people.  We are talking about everyday situations, such as medications, alcohol and caffeine, job history, spending, physical fitness, self-worth, sleep, etc, that are a daily part of our lives.  Getting those ducks in a row now when you are healthy will help you tremendously should the mental illness come out of remission.  My prayer today is that if you have a weakness in any one of these areas that you go to God for help with it.  Or if God is not number one on your list, that would be a great place to start. 

So in the case of Kylee, you might say it is too late for her now.  I disagree.  Her family did the courageous thing.  Putting it out there, the reason she took her life, in the obituary for all to see.  Maybe someone else will not feel alone.  I don’t believe people who commit suicide do so as a result of hearing one other person taking their life.  Trust me they have thought of it before, likely many, many times. 

A friend’s son committed suicide in high school and his name was not allowed to be announced during the graduation ceremony.  Another young lady’s name was announced at graduation ceremony and she had been a drunk driver who was killed in an automobile accident.  Hmmm?  That’s got to make you wonder, doesn’t it?  The young man suffered with mental illness.  The young lady was driving while intoxicated.  The school made the wrong decision and not just for the families but for the student body as a whole. 

It has been said, “Don’t talk about suicide, it is contagious.”  Contagious in the sense that others may do it for attention.  But I will tell you suicide rumors fester in the dark, the more open you are about it the better.   I say talk about it.  Education starts with a conversation and do not hide it in the obituaries as “died unexpectedly at home”.

It is not an embarrassing or shameful.  You would think after all this time we would have come to that conclusion a long time ago.  This was the attitude years ago, “It’s best not to talk about such things”.  That is how it used to be handled and now suicide is at an all time high, so it’s obvious, covering it up is not working.  It is likely an illness that took your loved ones life, a mental illness.  When you cover it up you cover up evidence that could save someone else’s life.  Be part of the solution and talk about it or your silence is part of the problem as well.

To Kylee, you have not died in vain.  Your family saw to it that others would be made aware.  You are now at peace and left this world, still helping others.