Mourning Has Broken

 A True Story By
 Susan Klarkowski-Rasmussen

I had two male goats, Tom and Louie who were five years old.  I got them when they were 8 and 6 weeks old, respectively.  I don’t know if it was the extra two weeks that made Tom the alpha male or maybe his larger horns but Tom was the boss. The goats were supposed to be fixed and dehorned when we got them, but let’s just say the dehorning did not "take".  Tom had almost full horns and Louie has a couple of curly cues.  Louie would challenge Tom quite often and lose quickly.  It was sort of like watching a couple of brothers knock each other a few times.  The battle was over without injury to either one, except maybe Louie’s pride. 

I walked outside one day to find Tom’s back legs twisted up in the leash used to tie him out.  We had devised what we thought was a fail proof system so that this could not happen, and for five years we had prevented such an accident.  I ran to his aid and in my panic I got my own ankle twisted in the leash as he lunged forward.  If he did it again I was going to go down too.  He weighed about 120 pounds and he could take me down quickly. I said, “Don’t move!”, and I don’t know if he understood or couldn’t move but Tom lay still. Fortunately, I was able to free my leg and was left only with a rope burn on my right ankle.  

Once I was freed, I got Tom loose and brought him some water.  It was hot outside and I don’t know how long he had been struggling in the leash.  He limped inside the barn and I remember sitting outside on the swing in our backyard remembering his other buddy Eddie.  Eddie passed away about a year ago.  He had injured his leg and naturally the memories came flooding back to me.  “I don’t want to do this again”!  You often hear that when a horse breaks or has an injured leg that they are put down.  As sad as it sounds it really is a merciful thing to do.  One veterinarian told us that goats are much the same way.  They will not likely recover from the injury.  With a heavy heart I took Tom out of the barn and wanted him to keep his leg moving. Not strenuously but enough to keep blood circulating so healing could take place.

I have a friend who was going to have to make the decision to have her 18 ½ year old dog put down.   Now here I sat with the same thoughts of my own.  A half hour before life was not as complicated as this.  Things can really happen quickly.  So I vowed one thing.  He would not suffer any longer than necessary.  Still, I prayed for healing.  

I believed God would let me know what to do and when.   If I needed to put Tom down, then Louie would need a partner.  There is saying in goat world, “An only goat is a lonely goat.”  I would come to learn the meaning of the impact of that statement first hand.  As the days went by, it began to look like Tom was not going to recover from the accident.  

I trusted that God would find me another goat.   Aside from prayer and a post on Facebook I was just going to wait for an answer to prayer.  My friend, who had to put her dog down, decided to put a post for me on Craigslist for another companion for Louie should it be necessary to put Tom down.   She answered a few of the existing ads too, sometimes leaving her number and sometimes mine.  She told me about one ad she responded to; it was a man who had two free goats, whose wife just wanted them gone.  That sounded good.   A man called me shortly after she told me about the ad, saying he had two goats.  He had to get rid of them because his wife had sheep. 

Very systematically my husband and I decided what day we would pick them up, how we would haul them, when we would put Tom down and where we would bury him.  I was not sure we were doing the right thing but the goats were free, Tom was hurting and Louie would need companionship.  I prayed that I was doing the right thing.

Tom was very mean to Louie at this point and would not allow Louie in the pen with him.  It was obvious he was really hurting.  We decided we would put him down on Tuesday afternoon, bury him and then go get the other two female goats on Wednesday.  I was working Tuesday morning and I got a call from the guy that our plan would work out fine with him.  As an afterthought I confirmed, “The goats are free right?”  He said, “No, they are $150 each.”  I said, “I thought your ad on Craigslist said the goats were free.”  He said, “I didn’t have an ad on Craigslist, I answered yours.”  And then it hit me.  I was not talking to the same man that my friend had mentioned with the free goats.  The ironic part was I talked to this man’s wife too and what we had was a comedy of errors. I was not upset, since I knew we were not going to spend that kind of money and simply smiled and it reconfirmed that God would not let me do the wrong thing.

So ups and downs and finally peace in round one.  Knowing God had this one covered.  The right goat would come along; God would provide us with it.  I looked at Craigslist now myself and Googled “Goats for sale”.  I also contacted someone I had done a painting for because I knew they had goats and I asked if they had a spare.  She said they did not but  would take Louie if necessary. 

Louie was remarkably friendly with my husband and me now that Tom was by choice spending most of his time in the barn.   He would come out and sit by us on the swing, nibbling on my mom's hair, at my hat or my husband’s shirt.  Tom had always been the more aggressive one especially because his horns were large and stronger than Louie’s.  Louie became like a big dog.  Friendly and content to just sit by us and be petted or scratched behind his ears.  

It was a now Monday morning, three weeks since Tom’s accident, and I went down to the barn to check on the goats.  When I saw Tom I knew we could wait no longer and that we would have to put him down that day.  My husband had to work, so we decided he would come home a bit early and we would just get it over with.   I went to work and the whole while I was gone I could not get Tom off my mind.  Like Eddie his friend a year ago, the time had come.  I wasn’t sure what God was waiting for regarding a companion for Louie but it was in Tom’s best interest that we do this now.

I got home from work and just could not go down to the barn.  I knew I should but I couldn’t.  I did what I always do when life is too much for me, I took a nap.  It’s my escape.  I shut the world off and go somewhere else and it allows me not to think about my problems.  At about 3:00 in the afternoon and I went to the barn.  Tom had fallen and lay in the hay; he struggled to stand but could not.  Louie was hiding behind a bale of hay so I quickly tied him outside and rushed to Tom’s side.  He was bad, and I texted my husband to come home as soon as possible.  Like now!  

I used water from their water bucket and tore a part of a blanket to use as a cloth.  I wet his mouth and washed his face.  I sang hymns, prayed and told him how much I loved him.  Zoe, our dog would bark from time to time at someone or something on the road, but if I walked away from Tom to see what the dog was barking at he would call for me not to leave him.  I have never used a gun but I debated on if I should try to figure it out.  I also contemplated other methods to do the merciful thing and put Tom down.  

Five years earlier when we got Tom and he was 8 weeks old his face was soaked with dried blood.  We were told the blood was from the attempt they made in dehorning him.  Much to our delight, underneath the caked on blood we found this very handsome goat that would prove to be the one who kept the others in line. Tom got his name because I had remembered a young boy in grade school that had a skin disease.  He was made fun of and now as an adult, I realize I may not have been the meanest one to him but I put forth no effort to stop other students either.  I don’t know what happened to my young classmate but this was my small attempt to say I was sorry that I was not part of the solution for him.  I could have been his friend and stuck up for him.  If I had it to do over, I would.

Five years later, I was washing his face again, yet this time knowing it would be the last time.  Tom could not stand; he tried several times but could not manage to get up.  So I did my best to keep him calm while I waited for my husband to come home.  Something happens during moments like that when you can seemingly do nothing except pray and wait.  I think that is when God’s presence is so very real.  You’ve got nothing else and yet you have everything you need at the same time.  Time seems to stop and you are alone with your Lord and your thoughts.  This was one of those times that I will remember all my life.

My husband came home, along with a friend of his who would dig the grave.  I took Louie with me for a walk.  We walked and cried; at least I cried Louie’s mourning would come later.  Tom was gone and the long ordeal was over.  Or so I thought.

The next day I was in our kitchen and I got the perfect call!  A lady saw the ad my friend placed and had a goat for us.  His name was Alphie and he was a sweet, mild mannered goat about the same size as Louie.  They had one request and that was, “He would not be made into sandwiches.”  They were selling him because he was too large for their fainting goats and she read my ad and thought we would be the right fit for him.  I was elated and knew God had provided.  We arranged to see Alphie for ourselves the next day.  

I had to go to my elderly neighbor’s home to warm up some lunch for her.  I tied Louie outside and I was gone about 15 minutes.  When I came home smiling and feeling relieved about the prospect of Alphie, I saw much to my shock that Louie was limping.  He had a tiny drop of blood on his rear knee.  What happened I wondered?  I panicked and sprayed his leg with Blu-Kote, an antiseptic used on animals.  Blu-Kote is true to its name it is a purplish blue in color and comes in an aerosol can like spray paint.  If there was any doubt which leg was limping the paint was a dead giveaway.   I could not believe it.  What happened?  I was gone only 15 minutes, maybe 20 at the most.  Now I had another limping goat.  

We were supposed to get Aplhie tomorrow.  “What happens if this one has to be put down too”? “I don’t want to introduce another goat into this picture”.  “What did I do wrong”?  “I don’t want to do this again”.  With these thoughts racing through my mind, I went in and asked my husband if he knew anything about Louie’s limp and he said all he saw was Louie pulling on his leash like never before and then he would settle down and get back up and do it again.  

Round Two - A little later I took Louie for a walk to see if he could just shake it off.  There are trails and a ledge behind our house, and Louie limped along and then went off the trail into the thicker brush area.  No goat had ever done that before.  I am their shepherd and they stay right with me without leashes and did not need any training to follow me.  Then he did a new thing, when I went after him he put his front legs down and refused to move.  So here he was in the wooded area refusing to even acknowledge me.  He went further in and lay down.  What are we dealing with?  Is his leg that bad, has he gone off to die?  Does Louie know that was what brought Tom to his end?  I could not coax him out for anything.  I’ve gone from having two healthy goats to one dead one and one who has given up in a very short period of time.   I thought to myself, the Lord had that lady call me.   We were going to get the new goat Alphie tomorrow.  What happened to the nice neat little plan?  Don’t you want me to have goats?  Am I going to be called away to do work for you that would require me to be away from home more, thereby not being able to care for them?  Okay, what’s up?

Side Note:  My husband thought he may have Sleep Apnea and he had an appointment for an overnight clinic stay later next month.  They had called him the day before and said they had an opening for tonight.  Openings did not come around very often so he took the appointment.  He would sleep overnight in the clinic.  

Also, It was extraordinarily hot and humid for a long stretch of time and I have been having hot flashes that I’m sure are to adding to the polar ice melting. J  I just wanted to throw that in there so you can get a better idea of some of the other elements contributing to the picture.  So to name a few things; it’s hot and humid, I’m sweaty also from hot flashes and I have a goat who won’t come home, and a husband who isn’t sleeping well, just to name a few things contributing to the situation.

Numerous times I went down the hill into the woods to get Louie.  One time he did come part way back with me but then disappeared again.  I left the barn open in the hope that if he came back in the night that he would feel welcome.  It was the first time that I slept in our house alone with my husband spending the night at the sleep clinic and the first time my goat has been away from the barn.  Needless to say I was awake a lot and prayed hoping somehow this was all going to turn out okay.  I prayed Louie did not get eaten by a wild animal and that I would find him tomorrow morning in the barn safe and sorry that he ran away.  I looked out the window 100’s of times in the hope my goat would be coming up the hill.  I felt like the father in the parable of the prodigal son watching from a long way off in hopes of his son to return home where he was loved.  I can’t tell you the excuses I was making to look out the window.  Each time all I saw was an empty trail. 

During the night, I got a word from the Lord about someone completely unrelated to what was going on.  This person or individuals literally had nothing to do with my goat situation.  I said, "Lord, that's nice and all but what about my goat?”  In my spirit I heard, “When the time is right.”  That is very typical of the Lord so much as to say in simple terms “Trust me, have faith”. 

Morning came and I immediately headed to the barn.  Maybe “the time was right”.  Well, there was an empty barn and no sign of Louie.  So back to the woods and this time carrying sweet treat!  No goat can resist it.  Louie is white in color so I was able to find him within about 10 minutes; he was not far from the place he chose yesterday.  I had brought him a dish of water yesterday and today some sweet treat.  He looked at me with apathy, turned his nose up at the sweet treat and water, and stared into space.  I called Alphie’s parents and explained the situation.  We would have to put getting Alphie on hold, and we did not know for how long.  My husband passed his sleep test, meaning he did not have sleep apnea and he was kind of disappointed as now another solution had to be found.  I have a goat who won’t come home and a disappointed husband.  I suppose it was better than a husband that would not come out of the woods and a disappointed goat.

At one point I sat outside the woods on the trail and was pleading with Louie.  “Louie, come home”, “Jesus has healed you”.  “Louie please come home” I cried, as tears stained my cheeks.  There was a part of me that thought not everyone would understand this; sobbing and praying for a goat to come out of the woods.  Most animal lovers would get it.  I mean you don’t have to love goats to think of replacing Louie with little Fluffy, and the thought of your furry friend spending a night in the dark fending off wild animals.
 

With half of that day gone, I went back to Louie once more and dug through the sticks and branches to get to him.  This time Louie began to come with me.  We went slowly, on his terms and Louie came back into the barn.  I decided to leave the door open so if “he” wanted to stay “he” could.  He could come and go if he wanted.  And yes, he was still limping pretty bad and his leg was still the purplish blue and so were his lips now because he had been licking his leg.  I spent some time with him in the barn and when I felt it was okay to leave him I went to the house.  

I went back down to the barn about an hour later and he was gone.  My heart sank again.  I started toward the woods and there was Louie, sitting next to Tom’s grave.  There is no way we could reason that Louie knew where Tom was buried and yet he knew his friend was there.  You can’t tell me animals don’t have feelings!  When we got these little goats five years ago, I never would have dreamed it would end like this.  

I stayed with Louie by Tom’s grave for a while and then it was getting dark and I coaxed him to go back to the barn.  He came with me and again I left the door open.  The next morning Louie was in the barn, lying in the hay.  He had no interest in water, food or sweet treat.  When he stood up he was still limping.  What was his problem?  Was the problem pain in his leg?  The leg was not swelling, which was a good sign.  Or was he missing his friend?  Was he mourning and given up on life?  “An only goat is a lonely goat”?  

I didn’t know what to do about Alphie.  If we got him and Louie died, I didn’t want to go through this all over again.  My brother thought I should just do it.  Get Alphie and go from there, see what happens.  It is like babies, when they can’t tell you what is wrong.  You simply have to guess with each new symptom and hope you finally get it right.  

I called Alphie’s dad and left a message that we wanted Alphie.  I called Alphie’s mom and left the same message.  I did not get a response from either one.  Now I have finally made up my mind and what if it isn’t going to pan out either?   In reality only a few hours had passed but I was not being very practical and realistic, I mean maybe just maybe they were busy?  The tension between my husband and me was strong.  He left to go to the gas station for a minute and I remember sitting at the table asking God “What”?  “I don’t get it, what”?  “What am I suppose to do”?

Then finally Alphie’s dad called.  “Come and get your goat!”  I asked him if, in the unlikely event that Louie died, could we bring Alphie back.  We did not want our money back just for him to have a home.  The man said sure.  I explained how Louie was acting and he assured me Louie was simply missing his friend.  The man said if there was no swelling in the leg it was likely a problem with his hoof.  And that made sense because Louie did have a sensitive hoof in the past, it had however, never caused him to limp before.  My husband and I had thought about checking his hoof but if there was an injury to the leg we did not want to complicate and make matters worse. 

We drove an hour and fifteen minutes to meet Alphie.  His dad was very nice.  He was a self-proclaimed redneck, and we could almost imagine at any time Jeff Foxworthy would come walking out of the house.  Alphie was beautiful, with wonderful colorings and a sweet demeanor.  The original plan was for me to ride in the bed of the truck with Alphie but later my husband thought we could put the seat up and have him stand in the extended cab and ride with us.  Alphie acted like he’d done this his whole life.  I wondered how many people on the highway knew we had a goat in the cab with us.  Or how many children thought, ”that kid’s got bigger ears than mine”.  Yes the mood had lightened! 

Alphie was also housebroken by the way as he did not have an accident the entire ride to his new home and waited to relieve himself until he got out of the truck.  Now it was time for the introduction of Alphie to Louie.  Would Louie perk up and start eating and drinking and living again?  

The look on Louie’s face was priceless!  His neck was stretched as high as it would go and his eyes were bulging out as much to if to say, “What the heck!”  Louie was interested in Alphie.   Alphie was in interested Zoe.  It seemed as if Alphie had never seen a dog before.  At least not one that wanted to lick his nose.  It made for an interesting first meeting.  As much as Louie was in shock to see another goat it snapped him out of his depression.  Suddenly he had to think about something besides himself and his lost buddy.  He wasn’t going to let this new intruder come and take over.  He started to come back to life.  Within the first half hour I witnessed my old goat returning.  He was still limping but his spirit and will to live was back.  

 

Round Three – Then I almost lost it and threw in the towel.  My mom came over to meet Alphie.  I was occupied with something else and she and my husband were looking at Alphie and they saw him – get this limping!  I was like, “What?  Please God no!”  I was in disbelief.   I can’t or at least don’t want to do this again.  What is going on and why?  I turned to look at Alphie expecting the worst and he was fine.  No limp, no trace of one.  We never saw it again either.  I’m telling you I was at my limit.  I could almost feel the Lord say, “Enough testing”.

In some ways I felt responsible for Tom’s accident.  Why didn’t I go outside sooner?  Why did I tie them out that day?  If only this, if only that, you know how it goes.

And Louie we still didn’t know for sure what his problem with the limp was but he was coming back to life.   Maybe because of his handicap he was a bit nicer to Alphie, the intruder.  We later determined Louie’s problem is in his hoof and we are treating it.  Alphie is adjusting well and just a little intestinal issue due to a new diet.  Tom well he’s in Heaven running on four good legs eating apple blossoms.  And me well, I will tell you about the greater lesson I learned from this experience.

I have two goats, Louie and Alphie.

There was a part of me that changed from watching out the window and standing in the woods crying.  I was pleading with my goat to come home.  See God is doing just that.  God is calling his lost children from everywhere.  No matter what they have been or what they have done.  If I stand in a sundress with slippers on and push back the branches and crawl through the brush to reach my beloved goat, what will God do to get you to come faith in Him?  He gave me this love for my goat.  He is the author of love.

I think He is sending me too.  I think He was preparing me for my new venture.  I needed to know how desperate He is when it comes to calling His children home.  I can’t just think, “I will give it a shot”.  I would have gone back to the woods until Louie had passed away before I would have given up on him.  I needed to know that this is serious, and I can’t walk away, from unbelievers, when it gets hard.   This is not some little pastime, but the salvation of His children means more than any other endeavor I can put my efforts in.  

The following Scripture has become increasingly important to me.   Acts 10:15 -  The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.” 

Meaning I am to be no judge of appearance, or background.  The status of education, power or authority, or income level has no bearing in the kingdom of God.  We are all one and I am to go out and get them out of the woods.  No matter whom they are or where they are. 

And the drop of blood on Louie’s leg?  Well, could it have been the signature of the author who is trying desperately to reach all of us?  What are you waiting for?  Come to faith in Him.  There is nothing in the world (woods) that will ever satisfy your hunger and thirst like Jesus himself.  

Please come home, Jesus has healed you….

Authors Note:  I love how God uses what seem to be ordinary, everyday life experiences to grow us up into the likeness of His son Jesus. Painful lessons are not forgotten quickly.  I will be posting articles like this periodically so check back soon and tell your friends about my website too.  I look forward to hearing your comments.  If you like my writing you will find that my book "Set Free From Darkness" will leave a lasting impression on you.  My book is available wherever paperbacks are sold.   LostCompass13.blogspot.com