What you are about to read it an actual account of what it is
like to be in a clinical depression. It
was written on December 24 & 25, 2014.
I’ve decided to share
this as a tool for both the person who suffers from depression and also for
friends and family members to help gain an understanding of what this process
is like. I pray it helps someone. I would love to hear how it helps you.
December 24, 2014
Apparently I have not been to the pit long enough. I thought for awhile today I could pull off Christmas
after all. You know, go to church and
then go hand out stockings to random people who had to work on Christmas
Eve. A few events took place earlier,
which normally would be very minor but today they drove me to my bed. Once again I found myself in the familiar
place under the covers, sheltered from the world. And if it being Christmas Eve and being
depressed wasn’t bad enough
it was my four year wedding anniversary.
I decided earlier not to go to church, I didn’t want to have to “fake” it. It was not as if people were counting on me
like in a work situation. I could pray
for the Holy Spirit to be at church while I stayed home in my bed.
I was walking out to the barn to feed the goats, it had been gray
and foggy all day—sort of a London feeling.
A family friend’s
obituary was in the paper today, suicide we think. What people don’t know is that could be me in the paper
tomorrow if not for knowing Jesus. You
see, I know this suffering is not meaningless, even if every earthly indication
would say that it was, there are things going on and territory is being won,
that we can’t see with our
natural eyes.
I was blessed by three Christmas cards in the mail today. One saying the photo on our Christmas card
was beautiful (and that I should do that for a living), a second saying they
love our barn quilts and they get many compliments on them, and a third it was
nice to hear news of how our the little house on the prairie church is
growing. They commented on three things
that normally mean so much to me, my creativity, my talent and my passion. Three separate areas that I’ve been gifted in. I needed it today but it did little to
relieve the gloom I felt inside.
A friend disagrees with me when I say God gave me more than I
could handle. She said, “You are alive
to tell about it.” Now that I know Jesus
I’m convinced I could kill
myself and be assured that I will go to Heaven.
In 2002, I gave my life to Him and I am a born again Christian. That part is simple now. Before knowing Jesus I had the delusion I
would have to spend three days in Hell and then after enduring that I would go
to Heaven. When I would go through
periods of depression before having a relationship with Jesus, I did not have a
way out as suicide was not an option. It
was endure it, quit the job, break-up with the guy, etc. but the luxury of
death was not an alternative. Until 2005
I didn’t even know I
experienced depression, I just figured I had issues. So for many years the only lifeline I
actually had was a delusion of death being worse than life (at least for three
days living in Hell). The delusion kept
me from taking my own life.
I was given more than I could handle, way more. Today I am grateful but please do not give me
credit for not taking my life. Credit goes
to the Creator who wove the plot, not my bravery. If I felt I had a way out I would have taken
it long ago and never looked back. But
now it is my choice to stay and fight.
Even if that means lying on my back in bed with a box of tissues next to
me or, worse yet, just despondent without tears. Tears really are an improvement over the
fixed stare at the ceiling. Most people who know me will be shocked to know I
have periods of depression and would never know to what level it goes.
So, I stayed home from church tonight; I just didn’t feel like being social and putting on
the act. Tomorrow maybe the clouds will
lift and I will act like I am filled with the Holy Spirit again. I am filled now, but you can’t see any visible signs of it. I
can fake it and fool most people, but tonight I said what is the point? It’s Christmas Eve and the church will be full, just too much social
pressure.
I have not lied to anyone I just know that when I come out of
this depression I will be stronger, more energized and closer to God than ever
before. Sometimes it means taking a time
out from the world and simply trusting in what we cannot see or feel. I guess that has another name and that is faith. So, despite my hazy view of the future and my
bleak outlook I praise God and thank Him for allowing me to suffer for
Christ. Is depression suffering? You had
better believe it. God has chosen me
worthy to suffer in order to build spiritual muscles in me that in no way would
be built simply having good days. I love
good days and I don’t like
this but I don’t think Jesus
enjoyed having his beard ripped out or the lashes on his back or his hands and
feet nailed to the cross. I am supposed
to pick up my cross and follow Him. So I
will boast in my weakness as the Scripture says:
2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Okay there it is. His form
of economy is contrary to the world’s. I
am going to say a prayer of faith here right now, “Father, thank you for this
period of depression and thank you for finding me worthy of suffering for
Christ. You alone have the answers to
the entire world’s questions
and for some reason unknown to me, this is the part you have asked me to play.”
I know everything works out for good as the Scripture says:
Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the
good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
“I know and I thank You and I trust You.”
Job 13:15 - Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will
surely defend my ways to his face.
“I will drink from the cup you have prepared for me. It is your will and not mine. You will take me places I don’t want to go to achieve in me what I could
not on my own.
So I will not let you down, Father.” I will grow up and carry my cross and I’ll be a trend setter again. Be the first one to see if anyone else is sad
on Christmas on Facebook, rather than posting happy photos. I’m being sarcastic now, I can go there too. I am no saint and I mess up all the
time. I just happen to be covered by a
loving and compassionate God who forgives me.
He knows I would prefer to be happy right now, too. However right now that is not in my
script. It is like if I can say thank
you enough times then I will snap out of this.
So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you…..not enough yet? Thank you, thank
you, thank you… No magic formula here, no genie to rub, but faith to go
forward.
So how should someone treat me during depression? I get frustrated with the acting like I’m weak and feeling sorry for me
and I get frustrated with the dancing around like I’ve got the plague or something. “Are you going to come to Christmas dinner
tomorrow?” How would I know, I hope so,
I’d like to be able just to
get out of bed. That would be a victory
in itself. I know they don’t know how to act or what to say. I am ill.
I have an illness that isolates me from everything I love. From everyone I love. And I am doing my very
best to carry on like I’m as
normal as the next guy (depending on who the next guy is that is). Oh my, is that humor? That’s been a long lost friend.
It feels like this depression will last forever and it is a
dreadful thought. Like I will always
look out the window of my mind and see a gray dreary horizon. Here’s a thought: just love me, tell me I’m special, that you will never leave me and mean it. Tell me I’m better as a depressed Sue than the rest of the world on their
best day. Tell me I’m beautiful and say it without pity. Send me flowers, cards, emails and texts that
profess your love and never ending friendship and devotion. Say I love you Sue just the way you are, God
made you great and He did a good job.
Pray for me.
I’m very
sensitive right now so don’t get “your” feelings hurt and make
me feel even worse than I do already. My
brain is sick. Period. If my stomach were sick you would understand. Little Sue is in there fighting to survive
and she doesn’t have the
control to take care of her feelings and yours, too. Don’t pity me or minimize what I am feeling even if you don’t understand it. That is the best I can tell you on how to treat
me.
Christmas
Day 2014
I woke up and tested the water.
It seemed okay and I had enthusiasm to straighten up the house. I hung all the Christmas cards; yesterday I
put tape on one and gave up. I was doing
remarkably well when a relative called and I found out I was being asked to
attend two holiday gatherings. I felt
like I got kicked in the stomach. I wanted to retreat to my bed. Instead, I continued to straighten up and my
husband, John, helped by sweeping the kitchen floor.
I took a shower, doesn’t sound like a milestone but it was. I thought, “Oh I will wear the same green top
I’ve been wearing, I won’t wear the Hello Kitty pajama
pants I have been living in but the green top will be fine.” Then after my shower I smelled the top, it
arrived by UPS on the 22nd and I have been wearing it practically day and night
since it arrived. I smelled it and I
quickly changed my mind. So I found some
different clothes to wear and enjoyed the feeling of my newly washed hair.
John and I went to our first Christmas celebration and I am
delighted to say my depression was not invited.
After a successful time we decided to visit the other relative,
too. The day thankfully was the first
day of good mental health in about four days.
Did I ride the storm out? Yes, but I was hesitant to believe the
full trial was completely over. I felt
very weak, as if I had just gotten over the flu, I knew I was better, much
better, but still a bit timid about the next few days. What a wild ride.
Thank you God for being that anchor in the storm. I am only here today because I trust you that
riding out the storm has a purpose.
Lord, I don’t have
much to offer but please use anything I have.
I thank you for guiding me when I am blind. One day we will look back at the video clips
of this and see it from Heaven’s perspective.
I think I will be looked at in a good light but only— and I mean
only—because of the faithfulness of God and how He has filled my mind over the
past 12 years with wisdom and knowledge from the Bible. It was in this wisdom and knowledge I was able
to pull treasures out of in my darkest moments of depression. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake
you”. Knowing He will never leave me is
the anchor in the storm!
