Cure Depression with A Box of Rocks

I’ll quote from my last post, “So as I drift off to sleep tonight aware that tomorrow may not be a ‘feel good’ day, I go to sleep knowing I will survive and I will be held by the hand of the God who made me.”

The past few days have been like mental torture.  Complete apathy and darkness.  Forced movement and forced attention to daily living.  It is like I live in a bubble cut off from any good feelings and I can’t burst the bubble to get back into the world of the living.  I know it is there, I know somewhere inside I still live, I function when I have to, but it is a grueling feat to perform even the littlest things.  I picked up a catalog that had laid on the floor for two days; I had seen it, it just simply didn’t dawn on me to pick it up.

I’m not a danger when I’m depressed. I always say someone would have to hit my bedroom with a bus, and I wouldn’t go look for the bus but I wouldn’t move if it was headed toward my bed.

But, oh, when the starbursts come, they are beautiful. 

I was feeling better after having prayed with a friend of mine.  I already had taken a shower and I was talking myself into going to get a few groceries.  I walked outside and there it was: a box.  It came from the post office; it was a box of rocks.  The rocks looked like they had been trying to get out of the box.  The post man laid it on our walkway.  I ordered them a week ago and it amused me that I was going to have to tell my husband, John, that I bought rocks, 20 pounds of them.  My friend said, “How do you tell a farmer you bought rocks?”  They were no ordinary rocks but 20 pounds of white Caribbean rocks for painting on with my new paint pens.  Somehow I didn’t think that was going to sell him on it, either.  I devised a plan; I would paint one up for him so he would see what a great buy they were.

I hid them half-heartedly, just in case he got home before I did.

It was my first venture out of the house in three days and I giggled about my box of rocks.  You know the expression “dumb as a box of rocks?” I bought 20 pounds of rocks and they got delivered right when I needed them.  I don’t think rocks in a box are so dumb anymore.  The rocks in a box were worth more than any drug I could have purchased.  And, yes, I was preparing to tell John how much I paid for them.  It came to about a dollar a pound.  I really did not shop around.

In my defense, it is winter in Wisconsin and rocks are usually hard to find.  However, this year I may have been able to find some with not much snowfall and warmer than average temperatures.  I didn’t find them though, I bought them. 

I chuckled all the way to the grocery store, unaccustomed to having heard my own laughter for the past few days.  I bought a few extra markers, plus everything on the grocery list, and then some.

As I drove home it came to mind to pray for one of our neighbors for no apparent reason.  And then it hit me, where have you been?  It is sure nice to have you back.  Welcome home!

That is what I mean by a starburst, a little pleasant thought out of nowhere, in a place that had been completely void for three days.  And I want to believe they will last, it’s like I pray, “Please don’t be a mirage.” That would be too cruel.  So I have really shaky legs today and I had a good day, despite having bronchitis, too. 

I believe anyone who has ever dealt with clinical depression will agree with this.  Dealing with a physical illness like bronchitis versus a mental condition like depression is so much easier.  I don’t mean to minimize it; it is just that you can look at it through a microscope or a blood test or x-rays, or the sound of the cough, etc. With depression I’ve heard things like, “Well, you look good” or “Yeah, I get like that too once in awhile” or, “Just think happy thoughts”, etc. 

Sometimes it is easier just not to talk to everyone right then. You teach your support group who will understand and who needs education.  During a depression is no time to be educating anyone.  Do that ahead of time with a clear mind. 

So, my darling husband has found the humor and value in my purchase of rocks.  I knew he would understand given a little time.  We have been married six years and between us we have learned the most effective ways to communicate about my mental illness.  He’s a good student and with him I have found a safe place to fall.

Thank you, God, for husbands, friends, starbursts and rocks.  I’m just not ready to say thank you for depression yet though, can I have grace on that one for awhile?  I just need to put a few good days behind me.

It's not my fault!

I think I figured something out.  I went on a trip to a women’s prison about 10 days ago and shared my testimony.  It was very emotional from one extreme to the next.  The anticipation of going, both the highs and being nervous, and the aftermath of great memories and now what is next.  It was Valentine’s Day and my husband, John and I went out and delivered about 40 carnations to random friends and strangers.  It was a wonderful day, we came home, I took a nap while John cooked lobster.  And I did not get what was wrong until after dinner.  It was a wonderful day and yet I was not “feeling” inside as good as the day was.  I’m not sure if that makes sense or not.  I have had a very stiff neck and a headache, so I was thinking all day that had something to do with it.  And then it hit me, I am in a stage of depression.  Only time will tell how this will pan out and how severe it will be.  I have been exercising every day for the past two weeks and my energy level should have

been rising, it wasn’t.  I was requiring more and more sleep and lacking enthusiasm.  The good news is, I can stop beating myself up about what I’m doing wrong.  I can sleep forever if I want and I’m not simply lazy.  My brain is sick.  I have head flu, so to speak.  When I think about recently, my vocabulary has been very quick and words were coming to me fast.  This is a good indication for me that a state of depression is just around the corner.

I repeat, I now can stop beating myself up thinking I’m not a good wife, friend, daughter or Christian.  It is not my fault.  I’m not all the bad things I was thinking.  I put up a good fight but now I know the enemy and I’m not it.  So maybe I will wake up tomorrow with joy and peace, I don’t know.  One thing is for sure I will wake up tomorrow and not blame myself.  Depression is a good teacher.  A cruel teacher at times but it sure has taught me compassion.  I do everything I can.  I take my medication on a regular basis, I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol, I live a conservative lifestyle in every way, I am physically active, and I love Jesus and spend time learning His ways.  When I have done all I can do and depression takes over it is a time of introspection and believe it or not I come out of it refined by the fire.  When it lifts, the sun will shine brighter, the sky bluer, the simple pleasures sweeter and God more real.  I don’t look forward to the next couple of days as I think, from past experiences; I may know what they hold.

One thing is true, one thing I must remember, when I am in darkness, I am not alone.  He is there with me and He Himself knows just how I “feel”.  My feelings may not be accurate but they sure have their own voice at times.  I will seek Him in the darkness and reach for His word.  I remember the days all too well when I did not have Him to reach for.  I grasped at anything and everything, men, jobs, friends, situations, purchases, etc to be my anchor.  They all failed me.  The only exception was Jesus.  So as I drift off to sleep tonight aware that tomorrow may not be a “feel good” day, I go to sleep knowing I will survive and I will be held by the hand of God who made me.  

And it is not my fault!

An Afternoon in Prison

The following is a list of expectations and realities I experienced going to my first visit for prison ministry. 

I will refer to the inmates as “residents” or “ladies.”  The “Plant” is the state mental hospital where I was incarcerated for four years. 

I was going to be nervous – check

This was only natural. I came upon much opposition in the days preceding the visit.  You can read about some of that in the article entitled, “Stand!”

  

There would be barbed wire on the perimeter of the fenced-in grounds – check

Yes, there was barbed wire on the fence and, even though I knew it would be there, I had never been so close to it before.  This made my stomach turn and my heart race.

The staff was going to be rough and tough and mean – wrong

When we got there we had to go through security, much like in an airport. The security guard said to make sure we put our boots/shoes in a separate bin from our jackets so they would not get dirty.  Not only weren’t they mean and ruthless, but we were treated with respect and authentic kindness.

 I would introduce myself and my husband as Sue & John – wrong

While we were there, I was always to refer to myself as Mrs. Rasmussen and my husband as Mr. Rasmussen.  Calling him formally like that was one thing I had to consciously be aware of and it was tough to remember.  I have never called him that.  I think, however, he could learn to like it.

We would walk through many steel bars – wrong

There was one gate, but the rest were doors not bars. And much of the time we were outside walking between the buildings.  There was not an underground tunnel system like at the Plant, which made me happy that the ladies could get a lot of fresh air. I figured they had, maybe, one hour a day of sunlight in a concrete courtyard. I apparently have watched too many movies.

The facility would be cold and unwelcoming – wrong     

It was more like a college campus or university setting.  It was clean, it was nice, it had a lot of open space between different buildings that were used for housing, food prep, health care, etc. What I saw was very nice.  We asked the residents if they were going to watch the Super Bowl and most said, “Yes.” Most of them had their own television in their room.  Note the word “room”.  I asked a question that made the Chaplain smile.  I said, “How many cell blocks do you have here?”  What turned out to be amusing to him was my terminology.  They really are rooms and depending on what building they are in, a lot of them have a key to their own “room”.  More like a dormitory than a cell block.  I smile now, too.

Many of the “inmates” would be hardened and scowling – very wrong!

This was possibly the greatest and most wonderful, heartwarming surprise.  The residents were kind, gracious and welcoming; I noticed that some just looked sad.  I don’t know their stories—how could I—but I saw a little girl in each one of them.  I doubt that any of them had this in the plan for their lives.  But our paths crossed on an afternoon in prison and I pray God takes my words, breathes His life into the words that can lift these ladies up to know that He has good plans for them, too.

 Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

There would be guards in towers holding rifles – I was so wrong it now seems comical.

There were a couple of guards near the gymnasium where I was speaking, but more to keep a general eye on and order to things. To send residents back to their room if they were disruptive (like talking and not paying attention), not to take a shot at them.   It does now sound ridiculous.  For the record, I did not see any guns, much less rifles pointed.   

Be aware we might be taken hostage – My preconceived fears get worse as I go on it seems.

In my defense, the week prior to us visiting the prison, there was a hostage situation at a prison out East where they held some guards hostage.  I did make sure I was aware of what was behind me at all times.  That is something I learned at the Plant years ago.  It’s funny after all this time after leaving the Plant, 26 years to be exact, that protection mode kicked in and it was as natural as riding a bike.

I was prepared for many things, but what I was pleasantly surprised at was the reception we received from every person we met.  The staff, the chaplain and the ladies could not have been more receptive to our visit.  The ladies we saw love JESUS.  The maximum security facility houses about 1,000 residents.  We spoke to about 150 of them.  I have some faces in my mind I will never forget as I saw their eyes become red with tears. 

I personally used to cry myself to sleep at night. I can remember this as early as about 5 years old.  I used to want to be a social worker to help other little children who were crying themselves to sleep.  Fifty years later this came full circle to a place where I could speak life into the lives of these ladies.  A good friend of mine told me to make sure I told them how much trouble God and I  went through to get me there.  I told them and I smiled when I did.  I told them they were beautiful because they were!  I had been talking to them for about 10 years without ever having them in attendance.  I now have faces to put into my memory and prayers for specific ladies that I will never forget.  I went there to tell a story and I know they each have their own to tell.  I wanted them to know, first and foremost, that I was no one special and that if God could do this for me—bring restoration to my broken life—He can and will do it for them.  They just need to BELIEVE!  Believe in a God that is all powerful and all knowing and all loving.  They need to believe and STAND on His promises!  I’m not special; I am just one who took Him at His word and He showed up in a big way! 

A copy of my book, Set Free From Darkness, is in the prison library, to help further illustrate to them how ordinary I am and how extraordinary God is.  I have a whole day of prison experience behind that I didn’t have before.  I have to admit I had more trouble sleeping the night I came home than I did the night before I went.  My mind was swimming with the faces and the memories of one of the best days of my life.  A little girl’s dream came true 50 years later. God’s not slow, He just had to wait for me to catch up to Him.  I look forward to going back.    

A dream came true.  I faced a giant.  And I won one for the team.  Thank you, God.

Stand!

Zechariah 4:6 “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,” says the Lord Almighty.

So if “by” His Spirit and He will make “it” happen, what is my part?  I mean I’ve heard the saying you can’t steer a parked car.  So I have to do something, right?

The following is something that walking with the Lord for the past 15 years has taught me.  First, I am to believe what the Bible says is true.  Then, I am to test the waters and take a step out in faith.  After taking the step I am to stand.  Stand and wait till the opposition has left.  Then repeat the process.

I believe in my own personal/career life I am on the verge a big change. I have been building up to it for quite some time.  How do I know these things?  Well, sometimes it is revealed to me in dreams and other times I can feel a strong “pull” or “desire” for change.  I am waiting for my next assignment and wondering what it will be.  In the meantime, I believe the word of God, I test the waters, I take baby steps of faith and I stand.

 

Each component in the process is important.  You will not get very far cutting any of it short.  You must believe first, before you see.   (Romans 4:17 -  He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.)  Now, you may have to call them into being a long time before you see results.  But the process is in place.  Believe first. 

The next step,  test the waters (using discretion) and step out in faith.  You may miss it but so what.  You simply try again with something different.  It sure is better than being parked on your butt in front of the television doing the same old same old again.  You need to get out of your comfort zone.

When you know your step is secure and you are in the will of God, then comes the really hard part.  Satan doesn’t like to give up any ground and he will do his best to make you retreat.

Ephesians 6:13 says, “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”

The Bible says the word “stand” 4 times from Ephesians 6:11-14 My first thought years ago was, how redundant.  But oh, life has taught me how truly wise Paul’s words were.  It can be like watching a reporter during a hurricane. They are outside with the wind blowing and debris like street signs, etc., is flying all around them.  We are to be like that reporter, standing and holding our ground against the enemy’s rage.

 

The storm may not look on the outside like the wind and rain of a hurricane, but internally you can feel it.  Sometimes it is a great frustration in the workplace, a relative who is proving to be like sandpaper to you (always irritating), an illness that threatens to destroy your life, strife between people closest to you, old problems that seem to rear their ugly head after you thought they were long dead and buried.  It is different for everyone, but what is consistent if you are growing up in the Lord and taking ground from the enemy, you will face opposition. 

It is key to remember the storm will cease.  But the operative word there is to STAND!  If you back down I promise you, you will simply have to face it a different day in the future.  The names and faces may change but the enemy will be the same. 

This past week I have done my share of seeing the rage go on within me.  I won’t get into details, but the first wave, so to speak, came up from the old problems,  For several days I had to keep telling myself to just shut up.  I would not focus on it; as a matter of fact on one occasion I walked away from the person and simply said to myself, “STAND!”  I sort of rolled my eyes up to God and I knew that was my word for the day, STAND!  I vowed several years ago to never open my mouth on this particular subject again.  It gets me upset, I lose my peace and I look like the bad guy.  I can tell you I was baited.  The snare was set and I was to hold my ground.  

The same day, another issue came up with someone else as I was still reeling from the earlier one.  This one I knew was bait.  I simply said, “Do you really want to bring that up now?”  I was like, “Get thee behind me Satan.”  The situation was diffused in minutes.  Not too many years ago and I would have had a meltdown, seemingly getting attacked on two separate sides from people I love. But with the Lord’s faithfulness and strength, it did not happen this time.

Then another situation came up several days later and I thought, “Wow, I must really be taking some ground because Satan is working overtime to get me upset.”  I suppose it has to do with the fact that I’m going to speak to the women at a Wisconsin prison soon.  I am not doing anything fancy, just standing and refusing to move.  My battle isn’t against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12) and doing anything else to flesh and blood but standing is moving.  For example, if I even so much as move my lips with words I am no longer standing.  That’s pretty deep but no wonder it fails.  If I’m getting opposition from the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms throwing words at flesh and blood is just plain stupid!  Flesh and blood is not my enemy, or yours for that matter. 

I’m telling you God makes me so much smarter than I am in the natural!

I’ve recently been encouraged to study Ephesians 6:10-20 and I encourage you to do it, too.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Zechariah 4:6 “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,” says the Lord Almighty.

It is true. I just stood in the storm and didn’t fight it in my own strength (lose my temper) and He continues to transform me on the inside. 

I sometimes get feedback from my readers (and I love it) and I’m going to ask you all to pray for us on Super Bowl Sunday (February 5, 2017) as I make my debut speaking engagement.  I have spoken to small groups before but never anything this large.  It is very important to me as, from the time I can remember (about age 5), I’ve wanted to help “little girls” who cry themselves to sleep at night.  I’ve dreamed of this opportunity and “practiced” my speech for over 10 years!   Please pray that these ladies and the prison staff come to know God through my words and testimony.  I would be greatly encouraged to know that you are praying for all of us.

It is ironic but we picked out the songs weeks ago and one of them is “Standing on the Promises of God”.  We got the right song.

Walking with the Lord sure isn’t boring!