It's not my fault!

I think I figured something out.  I went on a trip to a women’s prison about 10 days ago and shared my testimony.  It was very emotional from one extreme to the next.  The anticipation of going, both the highs and being nervous, and the aftermath of great memories and now what is next.  It was Valentine’s Day and my husband, John and I went out and delivered about 40 carnations to random friends and strangers.  It was a wonderful day, we came home, I took a nap while John cooked lobster.  And I did not get what was wrong until after dinner.  It was a wonderful day and yet I was not “feeling” inside as good as the day was.  I’m not sure if that makes sense or not.  I have had a very stiff neck and a headache, so I was thinking all day that had something to do with it.  And then it hit me, I am in a stage of depression.  Only time will tell how this will pan out and how severe it will be.  I have been exercising every day for the past two weeks and my energy level should have

been rising, it wasn’t.  I was requiring more and more sleep and lacking enthusiasm.  The good news is, I can stop beating myself up about what I’m doing wrong.  I can sleep forever if I want and I’m not simply lazy.  My brain is sick.  I have head flu, so to speak.  When I think about recently, my vocabulary has been very quick and words were coming to me fast.  This is a good indication for me that a state of depression is just around the corner.

I repeat, I now can stop beating myself up thinking I’m not a good wife, friend, daughter or Christian.  It is not my fault.  I’m not all the bad things I was thinking.  I put up a good fight but now I know the enemy and I’m not it.  So maybe I will wake up tomorrow with joy and peace, I don’t know.  One thing is for sure I will wake up tomorrow and not blame myself.  Depression is a good teacher.  A cruel teacher at times but it sure has taught me compassion.  I do everything I can.  I take my medication on a regular basis, I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol, I live a conservative lifestyle in every way, I am physically active, and I love Jesus and spend time learning His ways.  When I have done all I can do and depression takes over it is a time of introspection and believe it or not I come out of it refined by the fire.  When it lifts, the sun will shine brighter, the sky bluer, the simple pleasures sweeter and God more real.  I don’t look forward to the next couple of days as I think, from past experiences; I may know what they hold.

One thing is true, one thing I must remember, when I am in darkness, I am not alone.  He is there with me and He Himself knows just how I “feel”.  My feelings may not be accurate but they sure have their own voice at times.  I will seek Him in the darkness and reach for His word.  I remember the days all too well when I did not have Him to reach for.  I grasped at anything and everything, men, jobs, friends, situations, purchases, etc to be my anchor.  They all failed me.  The only exception was Jesus.  So as I drift off to sleep tonight aware that tomorrow may not be a “feel good” day, I go to sleep knowing I will survive and I will be held by the hand of God who made me.  

And it is not my fault!