Heart of Courage

Some states have open records that, if you go on to the State Government website, you can see the past criminal history of almost anyone.  Wisconsin is one of those states.  It is “supposed ” to be used for hiring employees, prospective tenants, etc.  It is, however, used for out and out gossip purposes.  I may be a bit biased on this subject, since I have been on the list since 1987 and I will be there until I die or until they change the law.  I have one crime on my record; granted, it is a big one but one crime nonetheless. 

Several years ago, I was working in a small business as an office manager.  I think there were about 12 employees, and one employee decided it was “his” responsibility to run a background check on his co-workers.  He did not do this at work because in no way was it part of his job description but he did so at home in his free time.  I thought it was odd one day when he asked me if I had ever lived in different counties until I was brave enough to look on the website myself.  There was another person with my same name that had other criminal charges against her, too.  In a sense, I was in charge of this employee and here he could go and spread the story around the business about my past.  The website gives very little details of the crime itself but I would guess he just filled in the blanks for sport. 

In a way, I could not hide any longer.  The Internet had made it possible for anyone who had a desire to find out past criminal charges against someone.

Now…how God turned my weakness into my strength, like only He can do.  I wrote my book, Set Free From Darkness, in one sense to have my voice heard about my story.  And of course to tell the world what a wonderful God we have Who could take my mess and have it be worth talking about. I have become more and more at peace with my past. I realize the Open Records in Wisconsin could be an asset to me.

I still have to laugh when I think of the day I was sending my book to someone, I don’t remember who and I was trying to look up my case number on the state website.  So I could prove to them I was not just someone looking to exploit them. I could not find it, and I was sending the book to express to the person how I understood their pain firsthand.  I was frustrated, as I needed it to say “First Degree Murder”.  I searched the website frantically and I said, “I’ve got to find it, for crying out loud I earned it. They better not have taken it off of here.”  What a paradigm shift.  I used to cower in fear that anyone would go out there searching to find out about my past and now I was getting frustrated, trying to sort of use it on my resume.

Only God can change a heart like that.

The employee who searched for me and his other co-workers’ names to gossip about us, well, let’s just say I would not want to be him and to stand before God one day and give an account.  I have forgiven him and I know because of his actions I can come forth with my story more boldly than ever before.  I don’t cower in fear of having people find out; instead I tell the story to help others. If he had not pushed the subject I may not be where I am today with the courage to tell the story myself vs. hoping not to be found out.

I would like to thank God for forgiving and forgetting my sins.  I am so very glad that He doesn’t keep a list of all I’ve done, that I’ve repented for.  He wipes it out as far as the east is from the west and He looks at me through His “Jesus glasses.”  That is a love and grace I can only begin to know.

This is a side issue, but at some point in my walk with God He told me I am in good company.  Many godly people in the Bible had committed murder and were held in high esteem in God’s eyes, Moses and David to name two.

All I can say to encourage anyone reading this is that God can and will take your worst pain or sin and turn it into glory for Himself.  It comes with a price, but the reward is greater than any recognition you can ever get from man.

Sandpaper People

What do you do when people are being stupid and they can’t see that they are a big part of their own problem?  I mean, it is clear to the rest of the world and they turn a blind eye to their own destructive behavior.  Is it as simple as throwing up your hands and praying for them? 

It is not like I know the answer and am trying to lead you into following me to it.  I have several situations involving loved ones that if they would simply listen and follow a plan, their whole problem could be solved.  Is it that easy?

Or maybe in the tension created by the situation, others like myself learn to further rely upon God.  While I’m praying for God to open their eyes to see clearly, take the scales off, and reveal what He has for them, the situation itself works like sandpaper to refine me.  It works on me and, instead of my reacting with anger accompanied by fear, I learn to trust Him more.

I give Him my worst case scenario and lay it at His feet, knowing I as a human being, aside from prayer, am powerless to do anything about it.  So the sandpaper takes over and does its work making me better in the long run.  I just rolled my eyes.  (In Holy reverence that is :)  Gosh, it would be so much easier on me to simply open their eyes but He never said this life would be easy.  On the contrary, He said, “You will have trouble.” 

John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”

So if this life was about easy, well, there would be no point to anything.  Imagine being so comfortable that you wouldn’t want to leave and go home to Heaven.  And if Heaven was just like your most comfortable day on earth that would be pretty anti-climatic.  Why would we want to have more of the same without greater things to look forward to?  So go ahead and continue to do your work on me, Lord, until the day of completion.

Philippians 1:6  “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Make me better so I can represent you properly and authentically.  An oyster makes a pearl with an irritant, like a little piece of sand.  (Can you say sandpaper?)  I think that is how true godly character is developed.  Human methods are nice and “easier”.  But true change can only develop when you are out of alternatives.  Leaving you nothing except the tension of being backed into a corner with no way out except Jesus.  And He will make a way where there is no way.

There was an Indiana Jones movie, I don’t recall the name of it, where Harrison Ford is at a place where he is trapped.  He is as far as he can go in a rock formation and there is no way to cross to the other side of the cliff.  If he goes any further, in the natural, he will surely fall to his death.  So he is being pursued from behind and his life likely will end.  He has heard that if he takes a step, a plank will appear and he can safely walk across to the other side.  There is no indication of this from what his five senses can tell him.  Without another option and facing imminent death, sweat pouring down his face, he steps out. Just as it seems he’s about to fall, the plank appears and he escapes to safety.  That might have been Hollywood but God, too, will take us to that place where only He is the answer.  He will never leave us or forsake us even if He takes me home. The Lord is making me better.

“I may not be where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” -  Joyce Meyer

What a mess in me He’s cleaned up already.  Thank you, Lord, for these situations, the irritating ones that create pearls in me.  I can’t expect to say, “Search me and know my heart,” then be surprised when the belt sander comes out!

Psalm 139:23-24  - “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

What did I think He would say?  Perhaps, “You’re 100% good to go, no more offensive ways in you.”  No, it is because He loves me that He continues to allow the tension to grow me up in Him.

Hebrews 12:6 -  “Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

So about these loved ones who are irritating and acting like sandpaper, thank you, God.  I will be better with Your grace in the long run because of them than I would be had the situations never occurred.

An irritant, sandpaper, a pearl and trust – it takes faith, and I do want to know Him more!  I was thinking maybe if He sat on the end of my bed and we talked for about an hour that we could make more progress.  But if He wants to do it His way, that’s okay too.

4 am Emergency

I went to bed Thursday night like normal.  I was looking forward to a long weekend off from work.  At 4 am (Friday) I was awakened by my husband, John.  He told me possibly one of the top 10 things I did not want to hear.  He said, “Honey, wake up, something is wrong.”  I was awake that fast.  I asked, “What’s wrong?”  He said, “I don’t know but I think I’m having a heart attack, the right side of my body feels like it has fallen asleep, it is numb.  My right arm, leg and the right side of my neck is stiff.”  Enough said, “We are calling 911.”  I was afraid if he was having a heart attack and I tried to drive him to the hospital, what was I going to do if he collapsed?  

We called 911.  I thought he had said left side of his body and he corrected me when we were talking to the 911 operator.  I don’t have extensive medical knowledge but I thought the left side would mean heart attack, but this was his right side.  A first responder arrived first.  Shortly after came the paramedics in an ambulance with flashing lights.  John was completely conscious correctly answering all their questions.  It was now about 4:30 am and he was taken to the hospital.  The professionalism of all the emergency personnel was wonderful.  

I followed shortly after in my own vehicle.  If you read my post “The Best Seats” and see where when Paul and Silas were in prison that they were singing songs and praising God, well that is what happened.  You will have to understand I am not the most functional in the morning, I have gotten better, but it generally takes me a couple hours to get it all together.  So I sent a quick text to my good friend that we were headed to the hospital and I asked her to pray.  Before 5:00 am I was driving to the hospital.  I started singing my homemade song to God and I continued to sing to Him for the whole 20 minute ride.  I said later I was bathed in peace.  It is hard to understand as I was not pleading with Him to save John’s life I was simply telling Him He is my king, telling Him I trust Him and that He was my everything and He is why I sing.  It was sort of a childlike song and as I drove in the dark across the city to the hospital I experienced great peace.

Once at the hospital, we found out some interesting things.  The numbness seemed to have no cause as the CT scan showed no signs of stroke, his carotid arteries looked good.  They gave him medication for possible stroke and the numbness in his arm and leg was improving.  So initially maybe we jumped to conclusions and shouldn’t have called 911 or even come in.  John was put on a heart monitor and after about 10:00 am he was taken out of emergency and admitted to the general part of the hospital.  Now he was in a room with an undetermined diagnosis.  He was still hooked up to the heart monitor when his heart rate jumped up to around 140 and was erratic.  They gave him medication for that.    

He went in for an MRI and the results were inconclusive.  Possible stroke or maybe he moved during the test. They were leaning more toward stroke but they could not be sure.  John stayed overnight in the hospital and during the night his heart stopped three times.  Not for long but between 3 to 5 seconds each time.  At 11:00 am (Saturday) while I was there, the nurse came in and asked “Did you just feel anything?”  He said, “Yes, sort of woozy and I’ve felt that periodically for a number of months now.”  She said “Your heart just stopped for 10 seconds.”

Perfect!  All caught on a heart monitor now the cardiac doctor came make an educated decision knowing at least part of the problem.  After that 10 second stop the heart was now back into normal rhythm for the first time in 25 hours.  

It was determined a pacemaker would correct the heart stoppage problem but the A-Fib (Fast Heartbeats) are going to take a different approach.  The cardiac team had just done surgery on another patient installing a pacemaker; the necessary staff was already there, what was one more?  He had a pacemaker installed and an hour and a half later was resting comfortably in his room.

Here is what I learned besides a lot of medical terminology:

                Through this experience God answered a lot of questions about John’s health that I had been wondering about.  He is in better shape than I thought.  He would not have gone to the doctor for many of these things but this way it was a one stop shop.

                The song I was singing on the way to the hospital was not a hysterical cry filled with fear but a sweet surrender to whatever God would bring, knowing that He was God.

                John’s heart cooperated very well and in a very short period of time did the exactly wrong thing when it was suppose to and it was all caught on a monitor, coincidence?  I think not.

                I have always dreaded the thought of possibly losing John and I came face to face with those fears this weekend.  What I found out is even though I don’t ever want to face that day, I could.  And I could because I believe God will always take care of me.  God has also given me numerous support people I can turn to if that day should ever come.

                John isn’t afraid to die.  He knows Jesus and he knows that his eternity resides in Heaven.  I just want to say he can just wait a little while (smile)

                I had texted my friend about 4:48 am to pray for us.  She told me later she woke up a 4:30 am and couldn’t fall back to sleep and finally said “Okay, okay I’ll get up”.  God woke her up because I needed her to pray.

Thank you God for all the medical information you provided, the current and future fears you erased, the friendships you cultivated and deepened, and in Your words “Peace I leave with you”.  See I know it is not about my circumstances as they will always change, it is about Who you know, the One who never does!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

               

The Best Seats

I went to a different church this week, just to check it out.  I had heard some good things were happening there.  I was delighted with the service and the pastor spoke right to my heart.  His sermon was on the book of Acts chapter 16 where Paul and Silas end up in prison.  It was especially fitting for me as I am personally getting more involved in prison ministry.

The thing I’m going to focus on in particular is something the pastor said about when we find ourselves in trouble and not understanding our circumstances.  What we can learn from Paul and Silas is at midnight in a dark central part of the prison with their bodies bruised and beaten.    They did not say things like, “God, why did you let this happen to us?” or “We were serving You and now look, why did You abandon us?”  or “Why don’t you love us?” or other such things we can find ourselves saying when life gets tough.   It was midnight, it was dark, they did not have a comfortable environment, they were bloody and they were praying, singing hymns and praising the Lord. 

No, they did not blame God, get mad, feel abandoned, feel sorry for themselves, or ask to be removed from the situation.  Instead they praised and worshiped God right where they were.  The pastor said it is easy to fall into the temptation of wondering why, if I am serving God, does it seem like I have more problems than people who aren’t serving the Lord?  Then he said that Jesus promised in this life we will have trouble.

Now to turn it on a level we all could understand in this day and age, he said when you go to a show, which seats cost the most?  The ones right up front.  The closer you get to the stage the more it will cost you.  It only makes sense that someone who wants to know Jesus intimately will pay a higher price.  In this instance it cost Paul and Silas a beating and a prison lock up.  They paid a great price but oh, the reward is worth it. 

How freeing from my pity party of late.  I don’t covet other people’s things as a general rule but I do want to do greater things for my Lord. So, sometimes I find myself wishing I had the idle time I see others have in order to fulfill my passion.  Saying things to myself like, “if I only had their time I would do so much more with it than they do.”  That is when it hit me today, I want a seat near the front and I need to be content praising Him in all circumstances.

It was like a switch flipped.  I stopped being angry and resentful of my “jail” and praised and worshiped Him right where I was. I also stopped being angry and resentful of the people who seemingly waste their “time” having somehow thought they were more blessed.  Paul and Silas were in prison in a front row seat when the Lord heard them worshiping Him. The prison shook and they and all the other prisoners who were listening experienced a miracle as their shackles fell off and the doors opened.  If Paul and Silas been whining, grumbling and complaining no one would want what they had.  You don’t need God and faith for that. 

Do I want to do great things for the Lord?  Sure. The greatest thing I can do is praise Him at all times.  And that means wherever I find myself, on the mountaintop and in the valley.  And every bit of trouble that comes my way is a chance to rejoice and know it’s an opportunity to get closer to Jesus.  He makes me so much wiser than I am.

The best seats will cost you more.