Heart of Courage

Some states have open records that, if you go on to the State Government website, you can see the past criminal history of almost anyone.  Wisconsin is one of those states.  It is “supposed ” to be used for hiring employees, prospective tenants, etc.  It is, however, used for out and out gossip purposes.  I may be a bit biased on this subject, since I have been on the list since 1987 and I will be there until I die or until they change the law.  I have one crime on my record; granted, it is a big one but one crime nonetheless. 

Several years ago, I was working in a small business as an office manager.  I think there were about 12 employees, and one employee decided it was “his” responsibility to run a background check on his co-workers.  He did not do this at work because in no way was it part of his job description but he did so at home in his free time.  I thought it was odd one day when he asked me if I had ever lived in different counties until I was brave enough to look on the website myself.  There was another person with my same name that had other criminal charges against her, too.  In a sense, I was in charge of this employee and here he could go and spread the story around the business about my past.  The website gives very little details of the crime itself but I would guess he just filled in the blanks for sport. 

In a way, I could not hide any longer.  The Internet had made it possible for anyone who had a desire to find out past criminal charges against someone.

Now…how God turned my weakness into my strength, like only He can do.  I wrote my book, Set Free From Darkness, in one sense to have my voice heard about my story.  And of course to tell the world what a wonderful God we have Who could take my mess and have it be worth talking about. I have become more and more at peace with my past. I realize the Open Records in Wisconsin could be an asset to me.

I still have to laugh when I think of the day I was sending my book to someone, I don’t remember who and I was trying to look up my case number on the state website.  So I could prove to them I was not just someone looking to exploit them. I could not find it, and I was sending the book to express to the person how I understood their pain firsthand.  I was frustrated, as I needed it to say “First Degree Murder”.  I searched the website frantically and I said, “I’ve got to find it, for crying out loud I earned it. They better not have taken it off of here.”  What a paradigm shift.  I used to cower in fear that anyone would go out there searching to find out about my past and now I was getting frustrated, trying to sort of use it on my resume.

Only God can change a heart like that.

The employee who searched for me and his other co-workers’ names to gossip about us, well, let’s just say I would not want to be him and to stand before God one day and give an account.  I have forgiven him and I know because of his actions I can come forth with my story more boldly than ever before.  I don’t cower in fear of having people find out; instead I tell the story to help others. If he had not pushed the subject I may not be where I am today with the courage to tell the story myself vs. hoping not to be found out.

I would like to thank God for forgiving and forgetting my sins.  I am so very glad that He doesn’t keep a list of all I’ve done, that I’ve repented for.  He wipes it out as far as the east is from the west and He looks at me through His “Jesus glasses.”  That is a love and grace I can only begin to know.

This is a side issue, but at some point in my walk with God He told me I am in good company.  Many godly people in the Bible had committed murder and were held in high esteem in God’s eyes, Moses and David to name two.

All I can say to encourage anyone reading this is that God can and will take your worst pain or sin and turn it into glory for Himself.  It comes with a price, but the reward is greater than any recognition you can ever get from man.