Don't let it go to your head

When I tell you I despise that phrase I mean it and I will tell you why.  I grew up living in a world of tears and sadness.  Crying myself to sleep night after night thinking I wasn’t good enough.  On the outside no one knew, it was just me and God that knew and I wondered why He didn’t help me.  The flip side to this is I had a lot of friends and I was successful scholastically, athletically and artistically. So no one knew my secret place that I would go to that always told me “I suck.”  So often when I would achieve a goal or an accomplishment I would hear the phrase, “Don’t let it go to your head.”  Because if it went to my head I might just stop being suicidal?  Or I might think that maybe I had some worth or value? 

As I got older I realized that people could not know what that phrase meant to me or they would never say it.  I personally would never say it to anyone unless it was in some context like, “Honey you are the best husband in the world but don’t let it go to your head because I don’t want to fight all the other women off of you.”  I mean seriously, that is the only way I would use it.  In my mind it is so cruel and yet people flippantly throw it out there.

I recently heard it again and I thought I really better analyze this. The man who said it to me is a kind, caring man for whom I have a lot of respect.  He said it to me in the context of something that was significant and important to me. I was actually happy being able to contribute something to the situation. And there it was, “Don’t let it go to your head.”  Like, “Don’t forget you still suck.”  As if I played for the Chicago Bears or something.  (I’m just kidding of course!)

Ever have those days where you put something on a shelf?  I mean, you are in the moment and you can not deal with something just then but you put it away and decide to look at it later when you can think (or cry).  I put it on a shelf until I got home and wrestled with it before I fell asleep.  What did he mean?  I don’t think he would have told me I suck but why do people use that expression that rips my heart out?  Or do I need to adjust my thinking?  It had to be the latter, because even my husband had used the phrase in the past and I know he loves me and would not intentionally hurt me.

I started to look at it, and here was my baseline when I was growing up.  No worth or value, not having meaning or any significance.  So I lived there and I would hear often, “Don’t let it go to your head.”  No, because if I did, God forbid, I might think my life had some value and I could be good for something.

Then there is the land I live in now and I’m a child of God, I’m a loving person who tries my best and I know God has a plan for me.  My normal place is typically with peace and joy.  So I heard that old familiar and unwanted line, “Don’t let it go to your head.”  And the old record started to play, “Remember you have no worth or value, you will never amount to anything, it would serve you well to remember that.”

Why would a caring person want to inform me that I suck?  It was difficult for me to even imagine they meant something else because in my mind that is where I go every time I hear that phrase.  I can honestly say I lived in the worthless part of it for so long it felt more normal than to even imagine that my ego would become inflated. And I believe now that is what they have always been trying to prevent. But here with Satan’s help and my own insecurities I always thought they wanted me to go to the mindset that I was not good enough.  What an ugly lie.  Over the years I’d get my feelings hurt and misunderstand the saying.  I can’t even imagine getting stuck on myself, which is not where I lived for my whole life.  If I ever did something right or well I would just think, if I could do it anyone can because I surely am nothing special.  

So now I can tell the liar that he doesn’t own me anymore when it comes to triggering something inside of me when I hear, “Don’t let it go to your head.”  This is a good example of miscommunication.  I always felt people wanted to deflate me and here they simply didn’t want me inflated.  I’m not sure I can be inflated for several reasons.  First, my past experiences have been etched in me so deeply. Second, I really don’t like the attention. And third, it’s like it’s not even an option. I’m really level headed and know all too well that I am no better than anyone else as we are all God’s children.

Maybe the next time I hear it I will not feel the stabbing poke and I will be able to accept it in the intention it was meant. We have those things in life that can cause a gut level reaction before we are even consciously aware. Well, this is one for me. I know I will be tested, and I may not pass the first time. I may need to study some more but one thing is for sure, it is out in the open now and can begin to heal.

Many times I felt offended when I heard that phrase and I was wrong but at the time I didn’t know it.  No one meant to offend me; actually it was the opposite, it was sort of an underhanded compliment.  That may be a paradigm shift and requires more thought.  I’m asking myself now, how could I have been that wrong?  You have just witnessed a renewing of the mind.