All things work out for good (How can that be?)

Why was it a good thing to be charged with first degree murder and given a life sentence?  The Bible says, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”  Really?  In the beginning of my personal nightmare I would have told you that I did not have what it took to live this thing out.  And the truth is I was right.  In 1987, the nightmare began that would change and alter the course of my life forever.  It was the unthinkable.  You can read the full story in my book, Set Free From Darkness.  In part, due to a misdiagnosed mental illness, I took the life of my precious 10-month-old daughter. 

 

I was found NGI (not guilty for reason of mental disease or defect) and sentenced to life in a state mental hospital until further notice. In order to be free, I would have to get well, and prove

to doctors and a judge that I was stable and could lead a productive life. Also, if I were ever to

be free from the confines of the state hospital I would have to face my past, the city I left in disgrace, and try my best to blend in.

 

I am here to tell you I lived through this and I am on the other side of it, but I will once again announce I did NOT have what it takes to get through this!  The saying, “God will never give you more than you can handle” did not hold true in my life.  The Bible does not say this, but I’m not going to try to convince anyone of my way of thinking, life will have to teach you that.  In Paul’s writing in 2 Corinthians 1:8, he writes, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure,…”   Yes, I do know what “far beyond” is like.  I would not wish what happened to me on anyone, not my worst enemy, and yet it has produced a harvest that could not have come about any other way. 

I spent almost four years incarcerated and did return to my hometown.   I am writing this now almost 30 years later and it feels almost like I am writing a novel.  Could this really have been my life?  Was I really locked up?  Did I really get over the loss of my precious baby?  Can I really announce to the world they should read my book?  Can I really hold my head high and walk into a room not caring what people have heard or how they might talk about me?  The truth is yes.

God and I know what took place.  When my mind was delusional only God knows the terror I felt, and it is to Him I answer.  As the years passed and the wound of losing my daughter would not heal, God knew.  “The truth will set you free.”  So talk about me if you want, or praise me for being brave, or pretend you don’t know about my past, I don’t care.  It matters very little. 

 

In 2010, I went back to court and was granted complete freedom back from the State of Wisconsin.  I have the document in my safe with the title “my not crazy papers”.  This has opened up doors for me that otherwise were off limits due to my conditional release. 

 

When I was a little girl I used to want to be a social worker so when I grew up I could help little girls who were crying themselves to sleep at night as I used to. In 2017, I’m going to be going to speak at one of Wisconsin’s women’s prison. It seems things have come full circle. Irony!

 

 “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His

purpose.” Romans 8:28